I don’t always say it but when I do, just know I mean it.
It isn’t something I like admitting because I feel like it makes me look weak. Don’t mistake this for weakness. I can live without you. If I have to, I will.
But I don’t want to.
Because that means that I would then forever be a shell of a person. I would have no will to do or to be anything. The bed would be my only friend and the darkness would probably be my lover. No one really wants to be around someone that doesn’t want to fight.
Sometimes I feel like I am close to that person.
Every time I get so sad that I cry everyday or every time I feel that ache in my chest for more. I want to give into the sadness and just lay there. Whatever happens, happens.
I’m not where I want to be or who I want to be but working on me isn’t an option when there are so many others around me who need my attention.
So I call to you and you wake up.
But you are so disappointed in me because the call is not for me. It’s for others. And they eat you up, until you are too tired to keep going. Since it is not for me, you feel no need to fight either, and you fall back asleep.
Until the next time.
And the cycle continues.
Sometimes you stay around, and we talk about me.
It’s nice for a while. We talk about all of the things we wish to do. We sing our favorite songs, check off our to do lists, and plan for the future. Everything is so exciting. Until you once again are used for others, and are too tired to be with me.
I know we have a lot of healing to do.
But I miss you. I miss the fire you brought to my life. Every day I woke up with a new purpose and was eager to put on my clothes and sing with you. To laugh and dream. Because we are dreamers, you and I. We dream of the life we will live together 5 years from now. We are whole.
I need you.
I need you to not give up on us, on our future. I want the day to come when I don’t need to call you because you are already there. You will be present in everything that I do. I want to fight the darkness.
Not for anyone else, but for me.
And I know that is all you are waiting to hear.