Can’t Apologize for Being Damaged

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December 14, 2017

“i am
made of water
of course i am emotional”
― Rupi KaurThe Sun and Her Flowers

Although I was the one that felt it, it was you who were upset.

Isn’t that a sad thing? That people will treat you any type of way but once you have had enough they are the ones that are upset? As if you are not allowed to feel wronged, or that you should be treated better. That you should apologize to them, because them upsetting you has upset them?

What’s even worse is this is a never ending cycle of pain that no one seems to understand. They don’t hear, “I have a hard time trusting the idea of love because…” No, all they hear is, “I don’t trust you.” As if they were the only ones you’ve ever loved and lost.

Time passes but the pain is still there.

I am a being that feels everything. I can tell you about a time where a girl fucked me over and cry like it happened yesterday. Almost as if I was 13 again living in that hell. I feel for people so deeply that I cannot even fathom someone not understanding when they hurt me.

I do grow and live and learn but that does not mean that those things that broke me once do not stay. They take a little piece of me and tuck it away with all the other damaged pieces.

You know, that time I was cheated on, that time I was used for sex, that time I was groped in the movie theater, that time I was called a piece of shit nigger.

None of that leaves.

When a new person comes into my life and can’t understand why I sometimes cry, or why I don’t leave my bed, I try to explain. This is why.

 

cant-apologize

But this isn’t who they signed up for.

This wasn’t the Cat they knew that always smiled and knew what to say. This was the Cat that was vulnerable and lost. I wasn’t going to be able to just let shit go, because again, I am a being that feels everything.

And its so so powerful.

So they get upset, and they leave.

They cannot accept damaged Cat. She is too much to handle. How dare she not like to be playfully grabbed because a boy once grabbed her too hard. Or how dare she want to cry, lay in bed, and be left alone.

I can no longer apologize for the things that shaped me.

I can no longer apologize for who I have become because of those things. I do not hang on to just the good, because the bad holds the lessons. The bad holds the truth.

And the truth is, that I am a being that feels everything.

My name is Catherine, and I am damaged.

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