It is Monday. New week, almost a new month. In what seems to already be a rollercoaster of a new year. What a better day than any to write about how I am currently feeling.
To sum it up up front, I feel like a cloud has lifted.
Long story short I met a guy, was afraid of missing out on a chance to find “the one” gave it a shot I knew I wasn’t ready for and it didn’t work out. Surprise, surprise.
What ultimately DID surprise me was what I didn’t know. There are two parts to entering into a relationship after getting out of a long unstable one. Part one is “Is this too soon?” I struggled with that for a little because I was so focused on the time in-between the two. Technically my heart wasn’t in the last one way before we called it quits. But when you look at it on a calendar, it was really fucking me up that it had only been a few months. That honestly changed the more I got to know the new guy. He was pretty amazing.
Now here’s the part I didn’t pay enough attention to and ultimately fucked me up mentally.
Part two is “Am I ready?”
That feeling. I would lie in bed thinking about the commitment. The future. The fact that I barely saw my apartment. The fact I still hadn’t started doing any of the things I said I would. And please, don’t get me wrong. NONE of these were his fault. They were mine. I did not spend enough time really figuring out if I was ready to be with someone again. Being with someone is a commitment. It sometimes means going way out of your comfort zone to try new things they may like. It means sacrificing and making compromises because you care about them and want to be with them.
I looked at my life a few weeks ago and said “Damn, I haven’t truly been alone since freshman year of high school.” And I started craving it, badly. I wanted to go home, to spend more time with my cat, to go on more hikes, to travel alone, to spend time with my friends, to start going to the gym regularly, to cook freaking dinner.. the list, it was so long. Then there was the feeling that there wasn’t enough time. Within 3 months I was already making compromises and sacrificing for someone else because I DID truly like them and I DID truly care.
and all the while there was this nagging in the back of my mind: What about me?
And that’s when I realized I had met the perfect guy at the wrong fucking time.
Because I wasn’t ready.
I knew I could be that kind of person again. I knew because I had done it before, just for the wrong person.
What I was ready to do was to figure out what I liked. I hadn’t spent much time outside of a relationship to find myself. I had a long list of things I wanted to try and I had maybe crossed 1 off of my list. When we broke up, the next two days I had crossed off at least 5. I have therapy scheduled, I booked an airbnb for a mini getaway, I made plans to go hiking with friends.. I just started feeling great about the decision.
While I am sad that I had to ultimately let a great person go, I do find comfort in knowing that I am going to spend some much needed quality time with myself for the next couple of months so when someone comes around and says, “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” I can feel 3000% certain in my answer.
I am going to focus on me.