I Need You: A Plea to my Inner Strength

I don’t always say it but when I do, just know I mean it. It isn’t something I like admitting because I feel like it makes me look weak. Don’t mistake this for weakness. I can live without you. If I have to, I will. But I don’t want to. Because that means that I would then forever be a shell of a person. I would have no will to do or to be anything. The bed would be my only friend and the darkness would probably be my lover. No one really wants to be around someone that doesn’t want to fight. Sometimes I feel like I am close to that person. Every time I get so sad that I cry everyday or every time I feel that ache in my chest for more. I want to give into the sadness and just lay there. Whatever happens, happens. I’m not where I want to be or who I want to be but working on me isn’t an option when there are so many others around me who need my attention. So I call to you and you wake up. But you are so disappointed in me because the call is not for me. It’s for others. And they eat you up, until you are too tired to keep going. Since it is not for me, you feel no need to fight either, and you fall back asleep. Until the next time. And the cycle continues. Sometimes you stay around, and we talk about me. It’s nice for a while. We talk about all of the things we wish to do. We sing our favorite songs, check off our to do lists, and plan for the future. Everything is so exciting. Until you once again are used for others, and are too tired to be with me. I know we have a lot of healing to do. But I miss you. I miss the fire you brought to my life. Every day I woke up with a new purpose and was eager to put on my clothes and sing with you. To laugh and dream. Because we are dreamers, you and I. We dream of the life we will live together 5 years from now. We are whole. I need you. I need you to not give up on us, on our future. I want the day to come when…

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The Temporary Feeling

“you look at me and cry everything hurts i hold you and whisper but everything can heal” ― Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey We are given the gift of feelings. It is what gives us so much more out of life. When we feel sad, we cry. We cry by ourselves, and we cry with others. But when we are happy, we laugh. We laugh and the whole world, it seems, is laughing with us. Our temporary feelings come with outlets to be able to bring them out. I would never wish not to feel, because who would I be then? My whole persona is based on my ability to constantly laugh and smile. To see the brighter side for others, even if I cannot see them for myself. The ability to see the brighter side, is based on me feeling hope. So who would I be? But those temporary feelings at times destroy me. Sometimes they can take all of my energy and will and suffocate me. Until I truly feel like dying. I stop laughing. I stop hoping. It all just stops. I can feel it creeping up now, as I try to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. It is as if the world is picking on me. Like everyone else is having a good time, and I am just standing in the corner waiting to go home. That comes with the territory. The ability to feel so strongly is probably why I struggle with depression. Because when I am happy, I am truly happy. But when I am sad, it is like the sky has gone black. There are no stars to help guide me, but instead, the darkness is consuming me. But what I have learned throughout the years, is that these are all temporary feelings. They all eventually pass, as long as you let them. When I lost a dear friend of mine, I felt a different sadness I had never felt before. I had thought I would always have this feeling when I thought of her. However, after 2 years, that isn’t the case. Instead of constant anger and sadness, I feel grateful for knowing her. Happy from the memories I will always have of her. Eager to carry on her legacy. In an instant, the tides change. Instead of pushing against them, I have learned to…

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