Making Peace with my Past to have a Bright Future

I know you guys have read my posts, my past was freaking crazy. I had abusive boyfriends, friends that weren’t really friends, and had my dream until I had to completely give it up. For a while, I was completely defeated. There were times just thinking about the situations I was in completely overwhelmed me until I couldn’t breathe. My past was on it’s way to dictate my entire future. I wasn’t going to be with anyone or do anything as long as I carried it around. So what do you do when you want to move forward, but you are still carrying around your past? I will tell you one thing. You cannot just simply let it go. Letting things go works when you have maybe an ex that you just need to quit. But what I am talking about, is being knee deep in your past. Can’t go anywhere without being reminded of it, can’t quit any and all old habits, constantly in a depression from it. Like you’ve completely let it define you. The only thing you can do at this point, is make peace with it. That means, going through everything you’ve ever done, anything you’ve ever been through, and finally telling yourself that everything will be ok. You aren’t telling yourself what happened was right, or that it was your fault, or convincing yourself it never happened. One thing I have struggled with so much within the last 2 years was my failure to keep my dream. I literally beat myself up for 2 whole years after I came home and it completely wore me out. Some times I knew I needed to make peace with it but I just couldn’t let that connection to it go. Until recently, when I discovered I had new dreams. When I had realized I had a passion for houses and interior design, I could finally start making peace with not staying on the team. I had let go of one dream and found another. One night I sat down at my computer and went on the Tennessee softball website for the first time since I left. It was like having an intervention with myself. “That’s not your only dream. You have another. It’s okay, it just wasn’t meant to be.” Now I can cheer on my Vols without secretly wishing they would fail. (Yes I know I am…

Read More

There Once Was a Girl With a Dream

I had the same dream since I was eight years old. I wanted to play softball for The University of Tennessee. I didn’t know how the college playing worked, or how I was even going to get there to play. I didn’t know it cost money to go to school, and I didn’t know it would cost me around forty thousand a year to stay. I didn’t know my family wasn’t going to be able to come visit, or that going from my public high school to college would take a lot of adjusting that I wouldn’t be able to handle alone. I didn’t know that it would be like a full time job, and that I would be tired and sore everyday. All I knew is that I had a dream, and I was going to achieve it. I worked my tail off for ten years after that. Always being the best, nothing less. So when I found out that they had already chosen their freshmen class my senior year, I cried so much. But I had gotten accepted into the school, and I had made up my mind that I was going to go. I had a coach and mentor who knew them on a more personal level than I did, and he was able to convince the coaches to meet with me. That very day, I was on the team. Everything was fine at first. My G.I Bill was rolling in, my scholarship had applied, my loans were not much but anything would be a blessing. I went to all the practices, the meetings, and the events I was supposed to go to. I met a group of talented girls, and even got to work with my idol! We had to attend a study hall eight hours a week, so my grades were fine. I also had met a set of rad people, so I had friends too. Now, the whole time since I even wanted to go, my dad warned me that I wouldn’t have enough money to go unless I got enough scholarships to cover it. I had applied to several but I only won one.Β One. I also applied to a plethora of other schools. Schools I could have easily walked onto and could afford. But I was so determined to conquer my dream I didn’t listen and that’s when everything went to hell. It…

Read More