“you look at me and cry
i hold you and whisper
but everything can heal”
― Rupi Kaur,
We are given the gift of feelings.
It is what gives us so much more out of life. When we feel sad, we cry. We cry by ourselves, and we cry with others. But when we are happy, we laugh. We laugh and the whole world, it seems, is laughing with us. Our temporary feelings come with outlets to be able to bring them out.
I would never wish not to feel, because who would I be then? My whole persona is based on my ability to constantly laugh and smile. To see the brighter side for others, even if I cannot see them for myself. The ability to see the brighter side, is based on me feeling hope.
So who would I be?
But those temporary feelings at times destroy me.
Sometimes they can take all of my energy and will and suffocate me. Until I truly feel like dying. I stop laughing. I stop hoping. It all just stops.
I can feel it creeping up now, as I try to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. It is as if the world is picking on me. Like everyone else is having a good time, and I am just standing in the corner waiting to go home.
That comes with the territory.
The ability to feel so strongly is probably why I struggle with depression. Because when I am happy, I am truly happy. But when I am sad, it is like the sky has gone black. There are no stars to help guide me, but instead, the darkness is consuming me.
But what I have learned throughout the years, is that these are all temporary feelings.
They all eventually pass, as long as you let them.
When I lost a dear friend of mine, I felt a different sadness I had never felt before. I had thought I would always have this feeling when I thought of her. However, after 2 years, that isn’t the case. Instead of constant anger and sadness, I feel grateful for knowing her. Happy from the memories I will always have of her. Eager to carry on her legacy.
In an instant, the tides change.
Instead of pushing against them, I have learned to go with them. To let them take me wherever I am meant to go.
I haven’t had a suicide attempt in a very long time, although I have had times when I have thought heavily about it. It seems that now I am able to remember that these are temporary feelings, that will pass eventually.
The more that I hang on and go with the flow, the easier I am able to not let the demons in.
The most important thing you could do for yourself is to not make hasty decisions based on temporary feelings.
They will be drastic, and majority of the time, they come with consequences.
So what I tell everyone I encounter that asks for my advice is to Breathe, Relax, and Take Baby Steps.
Everything will be okay. It’s only a temporary feeling and it will pass.