I have a friend that’s afraid of being alone.
Its a very common fear I think that most people, whether they acknowledge it or not, have. They think after a break up or after seeing all their friends in a relationship they have to be in one too. They start to equate happiness with someone else. It’s as if that is the only way they will be happy and if they aren’t with someone right in this very moment, they never will.
I get it, I was there about 3 years ago. I had just gotten out of a ridiculously long relationship, I felt really freaking bad about myself, and I was petrified that no one else was going to love me. After being with someone for almost two years and constantly waking up to someone tell you how beautiful you are or how important you are to them, it can be really hard to cope with not hearing it anymore.
And it through me into the arms of all the wrong people.
So much so, that I knew that if I was in a strong enough mindset, I wouldn’t have ever let them treat me that way. I was seriously lacking any type of confidence or self worth to the point that I felt like I was grasping at straws just to not be forgotten.
I know that’s how you feel now.
You had sincerely believed that you had found the one you were looking for and that your life could only get better because they would be in it. Everyday. For the rest of your life.
Until that all changed. And they weren’t.
So now you are doing the grasping at straws trying not to be forgotten. Trying to prove that you can live without them and trying to find happiness in someone else. But its not working, because you cannot place your happiness in other people.
It took me a year or so to figure that out.
It was when I was away, and I wasn’t really looking into being with anyone. I was out of my comfort zone and very shy. I felt inadequate with the other girls on campus around me so I didn’t even try to go that route with anyone. No one was pondering after me, no one was professing their love to me, no one wanted me, and I didn’t really want anyone either.
There was a 2 month difference maker that really helped me out. There was a friend back home that I was talking to, and he wanted me, but I just wanted him to keep talking to me. So I appeased him as much as possible. Knowing full well that if I didn’t express interest back, he wouldn’t reply anymore.
Until one day I realized what I was doing, and I was like, “What the fuck Catherine?”
Have I sincerely became that desperate for companionship that I was willing to let someone walk all over me? Why had I become that way? Why did I need him to want me?
So I cut all that crap out.
And I became in control.
For about a month and some change after that I stayed to myself. Didn’t try to find someone to want me. Didn’t appease anyone so they would keep talking to me. I did not give a fuck. I worked on me, and the results were beautiful.
The tides have changed.
I don’t need anyone, I learned why I was allowing people to treat me any type of way and what I needed to do to change that, I learned more about what I was worth to me, and how that contributes to what I feel I am worth to someone, and I learned that who I am and what I want to do are a part of my soul that can’t be changed for anyone.
So to you, friend.
Its okay to be afraid. Facing that reality now rather than later will benefit you in the long run. You wonder why you keep getting hurt, its because you refuse to be alone and learn about yourself. You need to learn why you attract the people that you do, and how you can stop it from happening again.
Once you give yourself time to do this, only then will you find the one.
Its a long road, but truly rewarding.